The Fellowship of the Kitchen
by VKT
Summary: Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Gandalf turn up at Frodo's house one day to find that the silly Hobbits have made a... club... of sorts. Hilarity insues. WARNING: Extreme OOC and lots of character bashing. But this is a PARODY!
1. Dwarves Are Teapots

**The Fellowship of the Kitchen**

_All of these smashing characters belong to Tokein_

_This is another old fic I found while cleaning out my External Hardrive. Enjoy! ._

**Chapter One: Dwarves Are Teapots**

(_Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and Gandalf walk into Frodo's house. They hear screams coming from the kitchen_)

Scream: BUT I'M KING OF THE BLENDERS!!!

Other Scream: BUT I WANT THE BLENDER!!!

Another scream: IT'S NOT FAIR! I ONLY GET THE CUPS AND THE TOASTER!!!

Legolas: Err….what's that?

Aragorn: I don't know! But I shall venture in alone to prove myself worthy of being the KING OF GONDOR!!! (_Dramatic lighting and wind effects_)

Legolas: You're ALREADY king of Gondor.

Aragorn: Oh yeah, let's go in shall we? (_Skips into the kitchen_)

Legolas & Gimli: (_look at each other_)

(_Gandalf, Gimli and Legolas follow Aragorn_)

Frodo: BUT I LIKE THE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL!!!

Sam: (_wearing a sieve on his head_) Well you can't have it! It's mine…my precious….

Merry: (_slaps Sam_)

Frodo: Then I get the Microwave!

Sam: Fine…

Pippin: Can I have the can opener?

Merry: NO! THAT'S MINE!

Pippin: Dangit.

Aragorn: By my manly stubble! What ARE you doing?

Sam: We're the FELLOWSHIP OF THE KITCHEN!!! (_Dramatic poses, lighting and wind effects_)

Legolas: The what?

Frodo: The….FELLOWSHIP OF THE KITCHEN!!! (_Dramatic poses, lighting and wind effects_)

Gimli: Oooh! Can I join?

Gandalf: (_raises eyebrows_)

Gimli: I mean….This is an OUTRAGE!!!

Legolas: No it isn't! I LOVE kitchen utensils!!! Can I have the Chopsticks and Teapots?

Sam: Ok!

Legolas: YAY! (_Grabs Teapot_) I'm a little teapot, short and stout!

Pippin: I didn't know Gimli was a teapot!

Aragorn: By my manly stubble! The young master Pippin is right! Dwarves are teapots!

Gimli: I'm not a teapot!

Aragorn: Who's king of Gondor?

Gimli: (_grumbles_)

Aragorn: I can't hear youuu!

Gimli: YOU ARE KING OF GONDOR!!!

Aragorn: That's right darling! (_Pats Gimli_)

Gimli: (_Grumbles_)

Gandalf: You're all idiots (_poofs away_)

Frodo: (_cuddling the George Foreman grill_) Is that all we'll see of him in this fanfic?

Sam: Probably. Anywho, I GET THE FRIDGE!!!

Merry: Aww! No fair!

Gimli: I want the sporks

Aragorn: I am King of Gondor! I should get sporks! (_Grabs sporks_)

Gimli: (_grumbles_)

Aragorn: Well, I AM King of Gondor ya know!

Legolas: We ALL know that darling. We were at the ceremony. We SAW!

Aragorn: Just reminding you!

Legolas: Anyways, I'm going to go and slay Orcs with my teapot then stick chopsticks up their dead nostrils!

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! YOU ARE MAD!!!

Gimli: And I'm a teapot?

Aragorn: YES!

Legolas: I know…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(_Long silence_)

Frodo: Your voice is too gay for an evil laugh

Legolas: Meanie! (_Pours hot tea on Frodo_)

Frodo: ARHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT BUUUUUUUUURNS!!! I'M MELTING! MEEEEEEEEELTIIIIIIIIIING!!!! (_Dies_)

Pippin: FROOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! YOUNG MASTER FRODO IS DEAD!!!

(_Gasps_)

Sam: No he isn't. This is a FANFIC. The writer can bring him back to life!

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! WHERE IS THIS WISE "WRITER?"

Legolas: It's a quest! In order to revive Frodo we must seek this "writer"!

Gimli: Can I come too?

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE NO!!!

Gimli: (_grumbles_)

Legolas: Of course you can come darling! (_Pecks everyone on the cheek_) Now Fellowship of the Kitchen! Let us seek The Writer!

All: YAY!!!

Writer: Um…I'm here…And my name's Isa. But you can call me "Oh Mighty One".

Legolas: OH MY GOD!!!

Oh Mighty One: And I don't like Frodo

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! WHY NOT?

Oh Mighty One: Because he's an annoying little brat

Gimli: Do you like me?

Oh Mighty One: …No.

Gimli: (_grumbles_)

Aragorn: Oww. I wanted a quest that would take us three long books with much describing of the moon and Legolas' singing and/or three 4 hour-long films with about 2 hours of it cut out and much of my manly stubble in which to find you!

Oh Mighty One: (_whispers to Legolas_) He's always like this, right?

Legolas: Yes. Yes he is.

Arwen: YOU don't have to live with him

Oh Mighty One: No but I want to. (_Drools over the hotness of Aragorn_)

Merry: Excuse me, but isn't this just inserting yourself into the fanfic in order to live out your dream of marrying Aragorn and therefore being Queen of Gondor?

Oh Mighty One: SILENCE! (_slaps Merry_)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! IT IS TOO DANGEROUS AND PERILOUS FOR YOU TO BE HERE MY LOVE!!!

Arwen: Right. Of course it is. Because the George Foreman Grill could leap out and slaughter me at any second. Or the treacherous Chopsticks might gauge my eyes out.

Oh Mighty One: That could be arranged

Arwen: Oh really?

Oh Mighty One: Yes. Yes it could. I'm the writer. I can do whatever the hell I want

Arwen: Except make people fall in love with you

Oh Mighty One: Yeah but if I kill all the other girls and Gimli-

Gimli: What do I have to do with this?

Oh Mighty One: Nothing, I just don't like you

Gimli: Aww….no one likes me! (_Cries_)

Merry: LET'S GO TO THE GREEN DRAGON!!!

Pippin: YAY!!!

Sam: POTATO!!!

Frodo: Help….me…..

Oh Mighty One: Fine…(Heals Frodo)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!?

Oh Mighty One: Err…. TO THE GREEN DRAGON!!!!

Hobbits: YAY!!!

---------------------------------------

Will Gandalf return? Will The Mighty One get together with Aragorn? Or will his manly stubble and Arwen get in the way? Will the Hobbits find their weed?

Frodo: But we have the weed

Shut up. Anyways, find out in the next instalment of…THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KITCHEN!!!!

Frodo: Ooooooooh, a camera!

Go way. (_Kills Frodo_) Oops.


	2. Dwarves Are Good For Making Lemonade

The Fellowship of the Kitchen

**Chapter Two: Dwarves Are Good For Making Leomade**

(_Legolas is having a tea party with lots of chopsticks sitting round a table, pouring out tea for them_)

Legolas: Tea for the chopsticks! Tea for the chopsticks! YAAAAAY!!!

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! YOU ARE MAD!!! Can I have some tea please?

Legolas: Of course! (_Pours tea for Aragorn_)

Arwen: So…you want me to exchange my husband for a badly made Voodoo doll of Wormtounge and some dog food?

Of Mighty One: Yes.

Arwen: …No.

Oh Mighty One: Damn…

Frodo: I'M SO PROUD OF IT, I PUT MAH NAAAAME ON IT!!! (_Shows everyone his George Foreman Grill which he has stuck a piece of paper saying "Frodo Baggins Grill"_)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! THAT IS WEIRD!!!

Frodo: But now it's mine, my preciousssss… (_Strokes grill_)

Merry: (_Slaps Frodo_)

Frodo: Sorry…

Pippin: I AM THE KING OF SPOONS!!!

Sam: POTATO!!!

Gimli: Well that was random…

Oh Mighty One: Shut up Dwarf. No one loves you.

Gimli: (_Grumbles_)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! I LIKE THE WAY YOU SAID THAT, OH MIGHTY ONE!

Oh Mighty One: Thanks!

Arwen: Grrr…

Legolas: I'm bored now…

Aragorn: LET'S GO ON A QUEST!!!

Sam: TO FIND POTATOES!!!

Oh Mighty One: Just…no.

Sam: Why don't people like my potato quests?

Aragorn: BECAUSE THEY'RE LAMER THAN SAURON'S SUPER AMAZING GHETTO HIP HOP BOYBAND!!!

Sauron: Word! (_BLIIIIIIIIIING!!!_)

Orcs: Yo, peeps!

Saruman: I'm da man, innit bruvz?

Sam: I see…

Pippin: Or we could tell stories?

Merry: OK! 'Twas a dark and stormy night, and the captain said to his crew: "Gather ye round and ye a story…" And the story was this: 'Twas a dark and stormy night, and the captain said to his cre-

Pippin: That's enough stories!

Oh Mighty One: So, a quest it is!

Legolas: Let's go to Rivendell!

Gandalf: (Poofs in) EH-EH-EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Poofs out)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! THAT WAS RANDOM!!!

Legolas: To Rivendell?

Oh Mighty One: YAYYYYYYY!!! LET'S BOMB AMERICA!!!

Frodo: What's an America?

Oh Mighty One: I mean… TO RIVENDELL!!!! YEAHHHHHHH!!!

Sauron: WORD!

Legolas: Stop that!

Sauron: WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME?!?

Legolas: Oh I wonder…

Gandalf: (Poofs in) RIVENDELL!!!

(_Everyone poofs into Rivendell_)

Elrond: Welcome to Riven- oh it's just you

Arwen: DADDY!!!

Elrond: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME!!!

Gandalf: I'M A HAPPY CAMPER!!!

Elrond: I told you to drown her!

Aragorn: I can't…she's too clever!

Oh Mighty One: I'LL DO IT!!!

Elrond: Who are you?

Oh Mighty One: Aragorn's new wife!

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE, WHAT ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT?

Oh Mighty One: How much you love me, of course!

Arwen: What? No!

Oh Mighty One: (_Erases Arwen from story_)

Legolas: YAYYYY!!! NOW I'M THE PRETTIEST ONE HERE, ONCE AGAIN!!!

Elrond: Oh no… he's not going to-

Legolas: I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Merry: Well he definitely got the gay part right

Gandalf: GRANADA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Jumps out of a tree)

Oh Mighty One: Oh Adam Sandler is SO going to sue us…

Frodo: What's an Adam Sandler?

Oh Mighty One: Never mind…

Sam: Po…ta…to?

Oh Mighty One: And the guy who made Foamy

Frodo: What's that?

Oh Mighty One: It's how I'm going to kill you (_Throws nuts at Frodo_)

Saruman: BOOGIE AWN DOWN!!! (_Tries to break dance_)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! DO NOT DO THAT WHILST WEARING ROBES!!!

Saruman: Sorry…

Sauron: WORD!

(_Faramir runs across the screen naked and throws a bar of soap at Sauron_)

Pippin: That was…interesting…

Denethor: CRACK!

Oh Mighty One: What's with all the movie rip offs? And isn't he dead? He fell off the tallest tower of Minas Tirith whilst ON FIRE!!!

Merry: Hey, you're writing this

Oh Mighty One: No, it's my insane alter-ego…

Alter-ego: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Oh Mighty One: See?

Merry: You made that up, didn't you?

Oh Mighty One: Yeah…

Denethor: Hello! Pay attention to the man who returned from the dead!

(_A bar of soap hits Denethor in the head_)

Legolas: Tee hee! That was funny!

Denethor: CRACK!

Elrond: My, my…

Frodo: Your what?

Elrond: Why did we entrust him with the ring?

Faramir (_Now clothed_): Because you're all idiots! You should have given it to Boromir! And none of this would have ever happened!

Oh Mighty One: What, like, Middle Earth being saved?

Faramir: It was SAVED?

Oh Mighty One: oO Right…

Frodo: I'm so amazing!

Gimli: When do I get a line?

Oh Mighty One: You just did. Now shut up

Gimli: Awwww…

Merry: Hey! Gimli's helmet is the perfect shape for squashing lemons! (Squashes lemons on Gimli's head)

Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! THAT IS A FANTASTIC IDEA!!!

(_Everyone except Elrond and Denethor join in_)

Elrond: Well this storyline just went down the toilet…

Denethor: What storyline? CRACK!

Gandalf: NYAAAAAAAAA!!! (_Pours lemon juice over his head_)

Elrond: I think we'll have to do something about him

Denethor: What, like, put them all in a tiny house together until they either get along, drive each other to insanity or kill each other?

Elrond: That could work…

Legolas: I'M A BIG BOY!!! DING DONG!!!

Lawyers: I don't know which of them to sue first! AHHHHH!!! (_Dies_)

---

_Will the Fellowship of the Kitchen get sued? Will Gandalf ever get his sanity back? Will Aragorn ever realise that he's not quite as manly as Boromir? And will Sauron ever stop trying to be "cool"?_

_Find out in the next instalment of The Fellowship of the Kitchen!_


End file.
